Reason #666 Why I Miss My Parents
Happy Halloween!!! Here are some knock knock jokes my mom emailed me. I laughed hardest when I read her reactions in the parens. Classic. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Ben. Ben who? Ben waiting for Halloween all year! Knock, knock. Who’s there? Phillip. Phillip who? Phillip my bag with candy! (Had to read this twice) Knock, knock. Who’s there? Ivana. Ivana who? ...
If I Could Speak My Mind (in Parens)
Evil Customer: This tea tastes like warm water. What is this? I can't taste anything. I don't want this.
Me: (For the love of god.) I'm sorry. Mulling Spice is a lighter tea. (Duh, did you read the menu description?) Would you like me to bring you the green tea you were considering (you nasty fucking asshole)?
Evil: Well, I mean if this is representative of what you serve here...
Me: (Excuse me? Oh no you did-n't.) No no, we serve the finest teas from around the world, let me get you something you'll like.
[Return with fresh tea. Thirty seconds later.]
Me: So how's that tea? Better?
Evil: No. This is horrible. It still tastes like warm water. I can't even taste the ginger. What is this?
Me: (Are you fucking kidding me? Get out. Get out now.) Well, this is a green tea, so it isn't strongly flavored like black teas. (You stupid ass cunt. Maybe if you didn't smoke three packs a day you'd still have some working taste buds.)
Evil: Why did you force this on me? You forced this on me and I don't want it.
Me: (Forced? What?! I brought it because you asked for it. No. Actually, I brought it for my health because I enjoy hauling my ass up and down these stairs for bitchy ass motherfuckers. What the fuck is wrong with you?)
Insert Foot in Mouth
Yesterday at work I had a party of 33 adults. They were awesome, Star Trek Dungeon and Dragon types. But a party of 33 is a party of 33 and I had to work my ass off. I was sweating, and I don’t sweat. Which prompted me to say to my barista after the group had left, “Dude. Fuck me. (pause) With a chainsaw.” Of course, the woman who threw the party happened to step out of the...
I Am Adopting (a.k.a. Kidnapping) Michael
Michael (raising his hand): I have a nickname for you!
Me: What's that?
Me: Michael! For the love, I'm not Chinese.
Michael: Oh, okay. Are you Asian?
Me: Yes, I'm Japanese.
Michael: Okay, so Japanese then! I have a nickname for her too! (Referring to the other teacher.)
Michael: Old Lady! (Cue fit of giggles eruption, full braces disclosure.)
Simple Diary →
I got one of these for a b-day gift yesterday. Because I’m a writer, it always surprises people when I tell them that I don’t journal and that I have, in fact, never kept a diary. This changes things. This will change the world. A fill-in-the-blanks motherfucking diary that makes you laugh. Genius.
Dolly Parton is so much more than just the first...
My big sister has a unique ability to mismatch words together so that what comes out is something like, “It enlighted me,” instead of, “It enlightened me.” You still understand what she said, it’s just a bit funky. A favorite of mine is when she told me one of her friends was “a kid in the heart.” Today, I realized this may be a genetically inherited...
“I’m tonguing this gum so hard it’s like I’m going down on it.” —My Manager
My 9th Graders Are Precious
Me: All right, so now I'd like some examples of inappropriate questions.
Michael: Are you from Chinese?
Me: Okay, not exactly. Think along the lines of something that may be judgmental or too personal.
Daquan: I got one! How many STDs do you have?
Me: Yes. Totally inappropriate. Michael?
Michael: Do you have high cholesterol?
Reason #32 Why I Miss My Parents
Isn’t She Presh? My mom is the motherfucking MacGyver of shit talking—she’s resourceful, extremely skilled and knows how to land an efficient blow without weaponry. Case in point: Each Saturday on their way to church, her and my father pick up an elderly woman, Margaret, who is no longer able to drive. My mother will also pick her up when she goes out to breakfast with some...
My Landlord, Father of 15
Mr. Davidson: Hi Barbara, I wanted to see if you noticed if the radiator kicked on.
Me: Um...let me see. Ugh, I don't think so... I just touched it and it's ice cold, I don't think it started.
Mr. Davidson: Oh no, that's normal, it'll go from hot to ice cold, it probably was just on earlier.
Me: Oh... Ok, sure. But it's still freezing in here. I mean, my hands are cubes.
Mr. Davidson: Look Barbara, I'm gonna tell you something. You're too skinny! You need to gain weight! Are you anemic?
Me: Huh? What? No. No. (shaking head)
Mr. Davidson: Well I guarantee you, if you gain some weight you'll be much more comfortable.
“Certain kinds of information are like smoke: they work their way into people’s eyes and minds whether sought out or not, and with no regard to personal preference.” —Haruki Murakami, The Wind-up Bird Chronicle
Did I mention I’m a waitress? At a really fun, whimsical and playful restaurant on the Upper East Side? I love my job. It’s the first job I’ve ever had that I look forward to going in to. We attract a lot of kids, fancy people and strange people. All kinds. Yesterday was an interesting mixed bag. I had a table of six kids with two accompanying mothers who felt it was okay to let...
Blank + quan
Every Friday mornings I teach ninth grade English students at a high school out in Bed-Stuy. They are so cute, so amazing, so smart and so beautiful. I’m teaching them creative writing, profiles specifically, and today when I asked them to write the story of their names, they bowed their heads in silence, hard at work, pencils and pens scurrying across their notebook pages. I was awestruck....
I think theme songs are important. This is my latest: Love is a Four Letter Word by the Gossip L is for leaving. O is for on time. V is for the voices warning me I’ll lose my mind. E is for the ending, the unhappy ending of the four letter word. My sister picked it out for me. I do four letter word her.
I'm in an Exploratory Phase
Which means this morning I woke up and felt like I was 16 all over again. Remember that feeling? That, “Holy shit, did I really do what I can’t entirely recall because the memory is surrounded by a fuzzy cloud of alcohol amnesia?” Apparently last night I did do what I can’t entirely recall. In fact, I’ve been told I went even further than what I can’t entirely...
Melanie, the Minature Philosopher
Melanie, impersonating an American Girl Doll: Um, teacher, may I go to the bathroom?
Her Friend, aka Crazy Hot Sauce: Do you have to pee!!!??? Or do you have to poop!!!???
Melanie: Well... I... I... Um...
Me: A lady never tells.
Melanie, out of character: But some times boys do.
Melanie, age 7, child genius
Me: Whoa, I'm having a bad hair day.
Melanie: No you're not.
Me: Why do you say that?
Melanie: Cause it looks like you.
Me: What do you mean?
Melanie: It's round and it has eyes, a nose and a mouth.
Bienvenidos a Nueva York
I was in Maui, a tropical island, visiting family for five days. We hiked, we fished, we explored reefs. Total Mosquito Bites Received: 0 I was home for two days. I went to work, I came home, I went to a bar. Total Mosquito Bites Received: 11 (including four on my hands, three on my neck and two on my face) Global warming? A welcome home blessing? What. The. Fuck.