I shit you not, a man—ahem, a gentleman—came into my work today for brunch wearing a combination of these two Napoleonic era uniforms. I had to pinch myself and check with the hostess to make sure he was real. He made what would have been a day I’d have called, “Hell on Earth,” amazing. And it wasn’t just because of his uniform. No no, in addition to being...
I go to return to the motherfucking Mac store. I’m so over this shit. I want to be angry, furious even, make demands, pound my fist on the Genius Bar and get some results. But I can’t. I need my Dad to be like that for me. It’s one of his great skills. But he’s 3,000 miles away. I called him for advice: “Ask for a supervisor or manager immediately.” Here goes...
Occasionally, the scar on my foot will sting so badly, out of no where, as if to remind me how small I am in this world, how little control we have over the way things have been, are and will be.
My computer is not working AGAIN. I don’t know what to do. Spent the greater part of this morning on the phone with Time Warner and Apple Care, no answers. So once again, I go to the Mac doctor. I swear to fucking god. I’m stretched so thin right now between work and teaching and editing and covering everyone else’s fucking shifts and babysitting and blah blah blah that this is...
Rejection Letter of the Day (#5)
Not the least bit surprising, but at least I got a handwritten note, right? It makes me feel all glass half-foolish.
I give up. I quit quitting. Just this week I read a David Sedaris article in which he speaks of a woman who at the young age of 50 was able to retire because she attended a management seminar in which she was learned that in order to be successful in life you have to shut off two of your four “burners” (as in those of a stove). Here’s your options: 1.) Family 2.) Friends 3.)...
Reason #607 Why I Miss (Love) My Parents
I own a fish. His name is Frank the Tank. For reasons of what my father claims are “pure curiosity,” he contacted TSA to find out how, if I wanted to move back home (but he’s not hinting), I’d be able to take Frank with me. He was so excited to get this response: Thank you for your e-mail regarding the Transportation Security Administration’s (TSA) policy for...
I've Never Been in a Fight, But That Might Change...
I can hear everything my next-door neighbor does. Everything. Right now he has a friend over who just raised my blood temperature about 50 degrees. First, she arrived about an hour ago and the two of them began shit talking about all the Asians in their classes and how they can’t understand a thing they’re saying, blah blah blah, and how they’re so annoying. Whatever. I was...
I don’t like when people say things and don’t mean it. When they say they’re going to do something and then there’s no follow through. So I’m saying this here and now so I can mean it: I just smoked my last cigarette. Wish me luck, I will need it.
Perhaps, Youth is Not Wasted on the Young
“I like being a kid,” Melanie, the seven year old I babysit, told me yesterday. “I get pretty much everything I want.”
This Is How I Do Weddings
I booty grind the groom… …and the bride. I’m available most weekends, require a mere $50 deposit and only 2 weeks notice. Just let me know.
My Baby Is Back
She has a new Main Logic Board and Heatpipe, whatever those are. She seems to be in a good mood, working fine. Minus the fact that the first time I turned her over they totally fucked up my iTunes, which are still fucked. I flare my nostrils at Mac.
Today I take my baby back to the Mac store. They hijacked her for 2 weeks and created more problems. I can’t turn her off, or she won’t turn on. Still, some times she just randomly turns off in the middle of me doing something. Some times half the screen turns into weird lines. But I haven’t gotten the sad Mac icon yet. Keeping my fingers crossed. Sigh.
“Great discoveries, whether of silk or of gravity, are always windfalls. They happen to people loafing under trees.” —Jeffrey Eugenides, Middle Sex
Reason #206 Why I Miss My Parents
Yesterday, my Mom emailed me this: Hi, Was just thinking, I forgot to tell you the lady at Macy’s was super nice. Her name was Barbara and of course I had to tell her your name is too. Also, she is a left-hander…but bowls right handed. She was super friendly. No line and it was so fast..in and out of Macy’s. We are starting our year out great. Don’t work tooooo...
You Learn Something New Everyday
So word on the street is Obama’s not circumcised. Not that this is information I needed and/or wanted to know, but a friend recently informed me that the Mister of the White House is wearing a hoodie. I certainly could have died happy not knowing that, but what I find even more fascinating is that apparently there exists a group which has formed in honor of said foreskin, calling it, and...
Reason #441 Why I Miss My Parents
“What does Semper Fidelis mean?” I asked my Dad when we pulled up behind a car touting this on its license plate frame. “It’s for the military, right?” “They call it fools gather together,” he responded, without missing a single beat. My Dad was in Vietnam.
Never Have I Evers
Today was a day of many firsts: Went to Natasha’s ranch for the first time, there, played with a bunch of interesting people for the first time, did a WOWEEWOW for the first time, and saw one of my oldest, formerly closest, guy friends and got to meet his newborn baby and wife for the first time. I’m excited the day’s not over yet.
Today, I go where no Barbara Sueko McGuire has ever gone before. Today, I go to be co-maid of honor for one of my nearest and dearest friends in the entire universe. It goes without saying that I am most unfamiliar with the realm of domesticity. I can’t say I’ve been the most stellar maid of honor, fulfilling all the traditional duties. It didn’t help that I live across the...