Today, The Gods Have Spoken
Last night, my computer went on the fritz, again. This morning, I went into the Mac store, again. After waving hi to the Genuis bar workers (all of whom I’ve interacted with at one point or another), I spoke to a manager, again. Within 20 minutes, no more again — I have a new computer.
Reason #21 Why I Miss My Parents
Thank you note and photo I got from Pops for a book (B is for Beer, not pictured) I sent him for father’s day. The last line just about made my life. And P.S., he says my handwriting is illegible.
I Quit Quitting Quitting
It’s been twelve days. Six of them regular, six of them VERY long. That’s a “very” drawn out and said veeeerrryyyy slooooowly, while exhaling. They told me the first three or four would be the worse. Lies. All lies. Those were fine, it’s only now that I’m struggling like a motherfucker. I’ve never been so rapidly annoyed. So irritable, so quick to jump...
The Moon, the Stars and the Sky
When things go wacky, I like to attribute it all to something—that something being completely beyond my control and having nothing to do with me and my actions. I don’t have a nasty habit of blaming others for my problems, so instead, I crane my neck back and look up. Not for God, but for the planets and the starts and the great ol’ moon. “What’s going on with you...
I'm am not myself these days
I feel like a foreigner in my own skin. I pause, I sit still for a moment, and it doesn’t feel like me. Something’s off and I don’t know what. I hate when I feel like this. When I can’t put my finger on what’s different. What’s not me. I wonder if it’s more annoying because I’m a writer and I spend my days finding words to describe feelings,...
I have a friend named Bryan. Bryan is a one of a kind, not in the way that yes, of course, we are all different—duh—but in a genuinely, there is no-one-else-even-sort-of-maybe-like-him-in-this-whole-world way. He is an artist, a photographer, but most important to me, an inspirer. He is one of those rare peripheral people in your life who magically changes it in drastic ways. Not...
Today, In My Writing Workshop
Me: Ladies, I just couldn't look at this piece anymore so I'm sorry if there are abdominal errors.
Me: I mean gregarious.
Me: I mean... for the love, you know what I mean.
My work includes comment cards in the checkbook for customers to air their opinions regarding our food, service and atmosphere. Customers can circle “So-So,” “Happy” and “So Happy.” I’m an overachiever. In elementary school, high school and college, I wasn’t pleased if I wasn’t getting straight As. Thank god my graduate school didn’t...
My Father, On Therapy
Dad: So you go for 50 minutes and you get charged for an hour?
Me: Actually, I go for 45 minutes and I pay $125 for 45 minutes.
Dad: Why not just go to a bar and chat with the bartender for a while?
I woke up this morning and made a plan. With my eyes still shut I thought, “I’m gonna go out and be a part of the world. I’m gonna go shopping.” Then I put in my contacts and saw this: Oh well. It’s so beautiful it’s worth having to stay indoors. Too bad now I feel like I have to be some sort of productive and write…
Rejection Letter of the Day (#7)
And now, I feel not so special… Oh the difference less than 24 hours makes. Dear Barbara Sueko McGuire: Thank you for sending us your work. Unfortunately this particular manuscript was not the right fit for Columbia: A Journal of Literature and Art, but we were very impressed by your writing. We hope that you will feel encouraged by this short note and send us something else. We look...
I Feel Special
My amazingly wonderful friend Louie, who also happens to be an incredible photographer and writer, wrote this! And took this, the one picture in this world in which I feel me. This is a photograph of my soul.
Fucking Katie Holmes and Baby Suri came into my work today! It was so weird seeing them live, in person. You forget they’re real. They didn’t seem real. Maybe Baby Suri, who was super presh, but definitely not Mrs. Tom Cruise. How sad it must be to live like that, with a body guard always lurking in the background, unable to ignore the awe-struck stares of everyone around you, the...
Lowest Common Denominator
Reservationist at my work: I have to poop big.
Me: Why don't you go?
Reservationist: I'm waiting until I finish returning my calls. It's my reward.
Reservationist: I'm not joking.
Me: I know.
Tash Is Silly
Tash: Aiii, Sophia is going to break my fucking closet!
[Sophia = Her 2-year-old niece]
Tash: It's her new hiding place and I just went to open the door and I couldn't even get it up.
(0.1 second pause)
Tash: That's what she said.
Today is My Day. I have no work, no babysitting, no teaching, no editing, no commitments, no requirements, no nothing, nada nuff. I can’t remember the last time I had a day to myself. Which I think sucks. I’m on my second cup of coffee and I’m so excited!!!! What are you doing today?
Rejection Letter of the Day (#6)
Dear Barbara, Thank you so much for submitting “UnKnowing” to Lumina. This year, we had submissions from all over the country, and there was a lot of debate among the staff about what to include. Although your essay was not chosen this time around, we enjoyed reading it and appreciated your taking the time to send it. Thanks again, Barbara, and please do submit something again next...
Me: So where do you live?
New Girl at Work: Brooklyn.
Me: Oh, where in Brooklyn?
Newbie: Er, Bushwick-area, five stops in on the L.
Me: I live off Montrose.
Newbie: That's my stop!
Me: I live on Boerum.
Newbie: That's my street!
Me: Right or left turn off Bushwick Ave?
Me: I'm left! 228?