The motto of the restaurant I work at is literally, “Ass, cash or grass, nobody eats for free.” It prints out on the bottom of every receipt I drop.

So far, all I’ve gotten is paper or plastic. I’m eagerly anticipating the day someone offers me sex or marijuana in return for their meal. I’m not sure how I’ll respond, but I know the moment will be epic.

Until then, I’m approaching every shift with bated breath and crossed fingers.